New world foods may be the answer to a healthy heart and a sharp mind. Dietry experts have been missing out on publicity recently, so managed to compile data proving something that the rest of us already knew.

"These modern food blow the pants off our ancient diet" said an interested party. "You can't tell me we haven't evolved when you get fat and carbs in such gorgeous quantities."

A manager of a 'classy diner' told us "It's great we've been serving up such healty stuff. We thought we were just giving the punters an utterly shite diet."

At the time of going to press, deserts are still a sin, instantly damming your soul.